My Salvation
by dragoerys
Summary: For the first time in her life Caroline has been able to be herself; to love who she wants to. But with Kate's desperation for a baby, how long can the pair hold onto their happiness? Set after 2x01. Rating will most likely change.
1. Chapter 1

_Disclaimer. I don't own the characters which is a shame because our poor little pairing would actually get a break!_

A/N: Hello! I'm pretty new to the whole fanfiction thing but this pairing is literally breaking me and I needed to write! So here's my shot at what I wish would happen in the series... It'll be multi-chapter so read and enjoy! All comments are greatly appreciated.

...

'Kate wants to have a baby?' Celia stated incredulously as she looked across at her daughter who leaned heavily against the kitchen counter, 'why?' she asked, before a more pressing question popped into her mind, 'how?'

Caroline dipped her head a little as she took a deep breath, trying to collect her thoughts. Kate was back at her place for the night whilst she tried to talk to Laurence about their relationship, but she could say nothing to her son when her head was filled with the idea of a new baby. She'd called her mother in a moment of desperation, needing someone to talk to about exactly what options she had when it came to this conundrum.

'She wants to be a mother,' Caroline began as she straightened up, wringing her hands as she did so, 'and can I really blame her? She'd be wonderful'. At her own words her mind conjured up images of Kate heavily pregnant, flushed and glowing with that serenity that expectant mothers had. It quickly changed to the woman cradling a little cooing bundle in her arms; her eyes alight with love and softness.

'But what about you love? You're 46 and you have your boys,' Celia pointed out and the images dissipated from Caroline's head.

'I know, god I know,' Caroline slumped back down onto a kitchen stool and hung her head in her hands. 'I want to spend the rest of my life with Kate, but I don't want another baby,' she sighed close to tears.

She felt so torn. She wanted Kate because she was everything she'd ever dreamed of in a partner and she couldn't imagine ever finding someone else this perfect, especially at her age. But then she didn't want another child. Her eldest was ready to leave for university, her youngest just approaching GCSE's; they were growing individuals who no longer needed her every second of the day. As much as she loathed admitting it to herself, she just couldn't see herself with a child again. It wasn't the fact that the idea repulsed her, but it was more along the lines that it quite frankly frightened her. If Kate were to go ahead and have a baby, if _they_ had a baby, then she would be 60 by the time the child turned 14 and she just couldn't do that. Yes, as Kate had pointed out earlier to her, older parents were much more common these days, but she didn't want to be one of them. She wanted to spend her greying years travelling the world and whatever else she decided to do, with Kate at her side. But it seemed at that moment in time she couldn't have one without the other.

She couldn't have Kate without a baby.

'You'll just have to talk to her love,' Celia interjected and Caroline's thoughts quieted a little in her head, 'that's all you can do. Just tell her that you don't want a baby'.

'But it's not that simple!' Caroline said exasperatedly, 'I can't tell my girlfriend that I wish she didn't want a baby! I can't tell her that I can't see our relationship continuing if she has a child, I just _can't'_.

'It's hard, I know. But you must understand that you're a part of this relationship,' the word still sounded funny to her but she battled on, 'and you can make decisions. You can say no'.

'Yes,' another voice started meekly from the doorway and Caroline almost fell off her stall in her haste to get up, 'you can say no,' Kate whispered.

Celia stood a little awkwardly for a moment as she watched her daughter's face suddenly drain of colour, her eyes filling with tears. She knew that Caroline thought a lot of Kate; that much was evident after she'd witnessed her daughter's meltdown after the woman had handed in her resignation. But to see her child who was usually so strong and rambunctious, a force of the unflappable kind, falter and break as she looked at an equally emotional Kate, she realised just how intense the relationship between the pair was. She watched as Caroline looked at the woman as if she held a pair of scissors to the thread that tethered her to the earth, and it took a moment for her to realise just what that meant. Caroline had invested herself in Kate, placed her happiness in her hands and now, because of this clash of wants and needs, this woman was about to drop it. And she could see the terror in Caroline's eyes because she realised just that.

'I'll be next door,' Celia said gently knowing that they needed privacy, though she was sure that Caroline wasn't paying any attention to her. And she wasn't. Caroline could hear nothing but the heavy sound of her heartbeat pounding in her ears.

'Kate,' Caroline started but Kate shook her head, still standing in the middle of the doorway and looking so utterly, unbearably lost that Caroline could not help but step forward, wanting nothing more than to draw the woman into her arms and hold onto her for dear life. Instead she froze a few paces away as Kate moved away from her, just a little but enough for her to realise that Kate didn't want her touch.

'I… I came over to see how things were going,' she tried falteringly, her face ashen before switching tactics. 'I shouldn't have said anything,' she murmured, her face mouth downturned and hurt radiating from every inch of her.

'No. _No.. _you should've. You want this,' Caroline interjected.

Kate smiled sadly, 'but you don't'.

Caroline couldn't help but shake her head as she made her decision known. 'No, I don't'.

'Which is very understandable,' Kate forced her voice not to break as tears blurred her vision as it dawned on her that this was most likely the end for their relationship. They weren't exactly the most compatible of people on paper but they had gotten past that because of what they felt for one another, but this fundamental difference was too big. And Kate knew that; she knew that relationships broke down when one wanted children and the other didn't and just because Caroline already had kids didn't mean she wanted another. 'You have the boys and your job to think about'.

'Wait, no – well yes there's that – but there's you. I have to think about you,' Caroline managed to say. She didn't want Kate to think that she was only thinking of what would affect her, she needed the woman to know that she cared about her, that she wanted nothing more than for them to stay together.

'I'm not going to change my mind,' Kate said slowly, trying to understand what the blonde was saying, 'I want to have a child of my own'.

Caroline nodded, 'I know. Of course I know that,' she ran a hand tiredly over her face, 'but I honestly can't see myself with a baby anymore. I've had my children-'

'Exactly,' Kate opened and closed her mouth as she tried to figure what to say. Watching Caroline try her hardest to be understanding was both amazing and heart breaking because she knew the woman didn't do relationships very well. Despite being a formidable headmistress she wasn't the best communicator when it came to her feelings and her being there and trying her best made Kate ache. She ached to her very core for this woman and for their relationship. 'I should've told you sooner what I wanted. It isn't fair for me to do this to you'.

'And it isn't fair for me to hold you back,' Caroline whispered even as her eyes fluttered closed, the weight of her words resting heavily on her shoulders, 'I wish… I wish I could change my mind. I want it to be that easy, but I can't do it'.

'It's ok,' Kate tried to say in a vain hope of making herself believe her own words, but she had never been the greatest of liars.

'No it's not,' Caroline shook her head, sounding like a child but she didn't care. God she didn't care because this wasn't fair in the slightest. She'd just managed to admit to herself and to her loved one's who she really was and suddenly she was losing the woman who had restarted her life. 'I don't want to lose you, but I … I suppose we have to accept that we want-'

'Different things,' Kate finished for her, and this time she couldn't help but let her tears streak down her face, 'it's funny', she managed to choke out, 'because I remember my mum telling me a long time ago that sometimes love isn't enough. And I always thought she was mad because how could your love for another person ever not be enough?' Caroline's face crumpled as Kate continued on, 'but I guess she was right'.

Caroline clutched at the sleeves of her shirt as the implication of Kate's words sunk in. She was certain that at any second she was going to break because everything felt like it was too much.

'Kate,' she sobbed. It was all she could say despite the overwhelming tide of emotion that swelled within her chest and begged to spill out of her; a thousand different words to plead with her to stay. This woman had broken every rule in her book; had fought past the walls around her heart and had weathered every storm with her. Kate had tried and pushed until they'd fallen together at last, but now they seemed to shatter apart which was the last thing that Caroline wanted. What she really wanted was to take back every word she'd said and say _yes_, that she wanted to have another baby. But she couldn't; she refused to build their relationship on a foundation of lies. She wouldn't become like her ex-husband.

The silence in the kitchen was tangible, hanging like a guillotine over their heads, but neither wanted to break it with a movement. They both knew that as soon as either one of them stepped out of the room their relationship really was over. Here they could hold onto it, could drink one another in openly and without remorse, without feeling like they'd lost something. They could pretend.

But then Laurence came crashing down the stairs, yelling something about going to play football before hurtling through the front door, and the silence was broken. The gap between the pair seemed too large to bridge suddenly, and they both realized it. Kate smiled sadly, pressing the backs of her hands to her cheeks as she wiped away the tears that would never really go away.

'I'll go and get my things and then I'll leave,' she said without venom, her voice unbearably soft and Caroline wanted nothing more than for Kate to scream at her. She wanted her to scream at her for being selfish and for breaking everything that they had, because if she didn't then Caroline would do it to herself because the guilt, which settled over her like a second skin, was unbearable. But she didn't say it, didn't say any of it and instead just nodded absently, her tears still tracing the lines of her face.

She remained standing in the kitchen; eyes closed as she listened to Kate hurry around the house and collect the scant number of things she'd left behind, removing them like memories from a photo album. She breathed out shakily when she heard the woman come back downstairs, and opened her eyes in time to see Kate approach her, her eyes reflecting the same emotion that she was sure ran across her own face.

For a moment the woman just looked at her with those dark eyes, before Kate dropped her bag at their feet and cupped Caroline's damp face in her hands. Without words she leaned in and kissed her, and Caroline knew without a doubt that this was it; this was her goodbye. She didn't dare close her eyes as her own hands rested at the small of Kate's back, wanting to pull her in but knowing that she shouldn't. Kate brushed her lips one last time over Caroline's before bending to grab her bag and headed slowly for the front door.

Caroline couldn't bear to watch her walk away but she knew she had no choice.

'Kate, I…' she began as the woman opened the door before turning to look at her with a sad smile on her face, clutching her bag like it was a life line.

'I know,' she said softly.

And then the door shut behind Kate and Caroline finally let herself fall, her knees giving out beneath her as she slid down the wall, much like she had in her office. Only this time when she sobbed, when the world seemed to fall from beneath her feet, there was nobody there to wipe away her tears.

...

TBC (and I swear things will be happier if you stick with me!)


	2. Chapter 2

_A/N: I am unbelievably sorry that I haven't updated sooner but I went back home for christmas and the wi-fi just completely gave up so I've been without internet for a month. But I'm back now, so updates will be much more regular (I promise). But thank you to everybody who has reviewed/favorited/followed my story. I'm taken aback by the response and everybody's encouragement. Reviews, as always, are much appreciated. Thank you again! 3_

...

By the time the boys arrived home, Caroline had wiped away any sign of her sadness. It was still there, perhaps even more profound than it had been when Kate had left, but she'd locked it out of sight, refusing to let her heart break affect her boys. They'd already been forced to deal with their parent's fallout and they certainly didn't need the added knowledge of realising that their mother's new relationship had fallen apart and in doing so, she had as well.

So instead, Caroline held herself together with all the resolve she could find. She wanted nothing more than to disappear up to her room and cry like a heart broken teenager, clutching at the pillow that would still smell like Kate's shampoo, but her responsibilities stood in her way. Her entire life seemed to be dictated by them; always having to put somebody else's needs ahead of her own, no matter the circumstance. And the one and only time she'd put herself first, said what she wanted and what she didn't, she'd lost-well she'd lost Kate. She'd lost her happiness.

…

Though she wasn't hungry, Caroline sat with the boys as they ate. Laurence seemed happily oblivious as he wolfed down the dinner she'd put together for them, but William seemed a little unsure. She knew her son was perceptive, after all he had spotted her relationship with Kate from just a few stolen glances, but this time he seemed a little apprehensive; as if he didn't know what to say. He kept looking over at her, his eyes just as sad as she assumed hers were, and Caroline wanted to talk to him; to convince him that she was ok, but she couldn't find the words. They were all wrong and nonsensical, a mismatch of reassurances and lies that wouldn't unstick themselves from the roof of her mouth. So instead she remained quiet, absently stirring the rice on her plate with her fork until both boys had finished.

As she tidied up the mostly clean work surfaces in the kitchen, her mind running over the day again and again, William approached her. Hands stuck loosely in his pockets, he watched her for a moment before speaking.

'Need a hand?'

Caroline smiled half-heartedly at him, binning the cloth that she'd just been holding. 'I'm pretty much finished love, but thank you'.

He nodded but made no move to leave.

Caroline frowned but collected the dishes from the side and began loading them into the dishwasher, still very aware of her son who stood awkwardly in the doorway. She knew he wanted to say something, she could read it from the way he stood, but it struck her odd that he didn't seem able to say something. He'd always been able to talk to her, that much was evident when he'd openly asked her if she was dating Kate. As she opened her mouth to ask him what was bothering him, Laurence interrupted.

'Night,' he said quickly as he popped his head round the door, flashing her a quick smile before running up the stairs.

'Goodnight love, and not too late to sleep. Ok?' she called after him, knowing she'd be ignored. She assumed that he wasn't actually going to bed and instead planned to play on his Xbox and she intended to let him know that she was onto him, but then realised that William had stepped closer. It finally clicked as to why he'd been so apprehensive to talk to her; he hadn't wanted his younger brother to overhear.

'Mum, you ok?' he asked gently as she straightened from loading the washing into the dishwasher, and immediately she winced. His tone made it evident that he was on to her, all sympathy and caution.

'I'm fine,' she said quickly, hoping to avoid where the conversation was headed. Heart stammering in her chest as she moved about the kitchen, wiping down already spotless surfaces, she dared not look at her son in case he could see the sadness in her eyes.

'You're not,' he pointed out as he laid a hand on her elbow, stopping her almost frantic scrubbing, 'I know you're not'.

'I- I'm fine,' she stammered insistently, but as William's fingers squeezed her arm gently, she knew that the game was up. Her head fell forward just a little, hair falling in front of her face as she stared at the ground in submission. William was just too good, too kind and loving to let it go. 'I'm sorry'.

'Don't be,' he said softly as she turned to face him. It was strange to talk to her son like this. He was her _son_, her little boy who had fallen out of the tree at the bottom of garden and broke his leg because he wanted to see how gravity worked. He wasn't supposed to be the strong one, the one who she had to rely on to be there for her, but it seemed that somehow he always was. 'What's happened?'

The tears came suddenly, almost violently as they threatened to choke her, a hand around her throat that wouldn't let go. 'Kate and I,' she managed to whisper, 'we've- uh- we, we split up'.

William's face contorted for a moment into a boyish look of sadness, before he tensed the muscle in his jaw and instead drew her into a hug. 'Oh mum, I'm sorry'.

She nodded against his chest before she pulled back, turning away from her son as she wiped away her tears, trying to reign herself in. 'It doesn't matter,' she lied, her chest constricting at the blatant falseness of the statement, 'I'll be fine'. She chuckled humourlessly at her own words, 'when aren't I? I'm old and I'm mean-'

'And you're in love with her,' William stated gently.

Caroline couldn't help the hitch in her breath at his words. She wanted to deny it, to tell him that it had only been an infatuation and that her feelings would soon disappear; if only to convince herself, to make herself believe it would be that easy. But the way William looked at her, as if she were an open book, lodged the words in her throat. Instead she hummed in response, nodding shortly before turning away to look out across the garden.

'Then of course it matters,' he said emphatically, and Caroline didn't have to turn around to know her son had just thrown his hands in the air, 'you've always told me to follow my heart, mum. Why aren't you?'

'Because I-' she stopped herself before everything came spilling out of her. She wanted to tell him it was because Kate wanted a baby and she didn't, but it was more than that. The baby part played a large role, that much she was certain of, but she knew that if it had been just that then she could've worked through it. What was stopping her was her fear. She was scared. Scared of what people would think of her, scared of falling in love only to be rejected once more.

'Because I'm a coward,' she conceded succinctly as she turned back to look at him, 'that's why'.

'You're many things,' William said quickly, his brow furrowed as he spoke, 'but you're not a coward. My mother isn't a coward'.

'I am,' she insisted as her eyes misted over once more, 'I am'. Her words sounded childishly persistent but she didn't have the heart to tell her son just how scared she was of other people's reactions to her. She'd always told both of her boys to be true to themselves, to ignore the people who made fun of them, but she couldn't take her own advice. Years of being told what was morally right and wrong had made the lines inside her own head fuzzy, making it hard for her to truly accept that she was _allowed_ to love Kate. She was _allowed _to be gay. There was always that tiny whisper inside of her head that told her it was wrong, that _she_ was wrong and she despised it. She hated it more than she ever had anything in her life, but it wouldn't disappear no matter what she tried.

It was maddening, feeling like she was being torn in two every second of the day.

Warily William approached her once more, as if afraid that she would run from him if he moved too fast. Placing his hands on her shoulder's he looked at her intently, as if trying to figure out what was in her head. 'You were different with Kate,' he began slowly, 'happier. And you laughed like you didn't with dad'. He squeezed her shoulders as he sighed, 'I just want you to be happy, mum. You deserve that much'.

Caroline shut her eyes tightly, 'it's not that simple'.

'Really? If you love her, then it should be that simple,' he said, hugging her briefly once again, before disappearing upstairs. Floored by her son's logic and his unending compassion, Caroline lowered herself into one of the kitchen chairs.

Bringing her knees up to her chest, she sat and marvelled at how truly lost she felt even when she was in her own home.

…

Her alarm clock blaring as loudly as it possibly could woke Caroline from her fitful sleep. Slapping at it until it turned off, she was awarded a few blissful moments whilst the haze of not quite consciousness still lingered and her mind was yet to properly switch on, where she remembered nothing of the day before. She floated in her ignorance, simply allowing herself to wake to an apparently beautiful morning, if the sun shining through the curtains was anything to go by. But it all fell apart as she reached across the bed, searching for Kate's warmth and instead found cool empty sheets; and suddenly the events of yesterday crashed down onto her, rendering her breathless. The tears pooled in her eyes as she sunk back under the duvet, hoping to block out the day and therefore the inevitable loneliness that would grip her by the heart. She wanted to fall back asleep so that she didn't have to face what had happened, so she could pretend and dream and forget. But as her second alarm went off, indicating that if she didn't move she'd be late for work, she knew that none of those things were going to happen.

As she climbed from her bed, groggily making her way to the bathroom, she realised that she would have to face Kate that very morning. And although they'd left on amicable terms, neither of them hating one another (well at least she hoped Kate didn't hate her), she wasn't keen on the idea of seeing her face; scared that once she did she would lose her professional demeanour and break down, pleading for them to make another go of things despite their differences. But as she stepped under the warm shower spray, she knew that she could never do that. She couldn't make herself vulnerable, couldn't leave herself open to attack, especially with Kate because she knew she'd never come back from it.

Leaning against the cold tiles, she tipped her head back to meet the spray of the water and let it wash over her, trying to drown out the thoughts that plucked at her insides like guitar strings, strumming out a melancholy melody. But even the relentless roar of the water and the thundering of her own heartbeat couldn't silence the fact that her insecurities had just destroyed her chance at happiness.

…

She'd relegated herself to her office. Caroline knew it wasn't the most mature thing to do, but she was the Headmistress and she could blag a couple of important telephone meetings if she needed to. She'd told Beverly that she wasn't to be disturbed for the day, and the plan had worked exceptionally well, except from the fact that it left her alone with her thoughts. And her thoughts weren't going to give her the day off, definitely not. Instead they kicked into overdrive, seemingly paying heed to everything that had been said to her in the past twenty four hours. William's words mixed with the image, that had decided to burn itself into her memory, of Kate leaving her life made a heady concoction that seemed intent to drive her insane.

_ 'If you love her, then it should be that simple'_.

The more she thought about it, the more the words made sense. She loved Kate. She loved her like she never had John, loved her so fiercely that it hurt. She could pick Kate apart and love every piece, especially the parts that Kate hated herself; the crinkles by her eyes when she laughed, the scar that ran from calf to knee (a university hiking accident so she'd been told). Caroline realised more and more that she'd fallen incredibly hard for Kate, so much so that it was like a love song. It was ridiculous and clichéd, but it was nice. It felt like home and safety, all the things that Caroline had been searching for her whole life.

Pushing herself back from her desk abruptly, she stood with determination, only to lean heavily against the wall. She looked across to the door as if it were the source of all her problems as she tried to force herself to move.

'She's everything you want,' she said aloud to herself, hands balled into fists at her sides, 'be brave'.

Caroline was aware that she sounded mad, even slightly delusional but she'd decided she no longer cared. Apparently, much to her own surprise, twenty four hours was long enough to decide what she wanted. It was long enough for her to realise that every time she saw Kate, she didn't want to see a future she could have had if only she'd been brave enough. No, she wanted to see love and lust, an underlying burning passion that couldn't be dampened-

She wanted to be loved.

And to do so, to get that and have everything she wanted, she had to be brave. She had to tell Kate everything she'd just thought in her head, all the embarrassing little emotional things that would otherwise have her squirming. She wanted forever and whenever she looked at Kate, she could see infinity span out before her like the warm caress of a hand.

And just like that she pushed herself away from the wall and practically ran from her office.

Caroline ignored Beverley's strange glance as she hastily marched from the room and instead made a beeline for Kate's door. Although she cared not to admit that she'd memorised Kate's schedule, she knew for a fact that the woman had a free period and by the feeling in her chest, a swelling tide of emotion that she literally could not keep a handle on, she couldn't wait for the school bell to ring. She had to do it now, whilst the adrenaline coursed through her veins, whilst she could still believe in the pretence of her bravery.

She stopped abruptly outside Kate's door, absently straightening the already impeccable line of her collar before she raised her hand to knock, unsure whether barging straight in seemed a little desperate. But before she made a sound, she heard Kate's voice. It drifted through the half open door, soft and melodic and Caroline found herself grinning at the sound, a love struck teen indeed.

'Tonight's on, for sure,' Kate began, 'no it's not a problem anymore. I'm- we've- well yes we're not together anymore'.

Caroline's grin fell almost as quickly as her heart did, dropping through to her stomach.

'I don't really need to go into detail do I? You know what we talked about- Greg, you know what this is. It's a one-time thing,' Kate sounded a little unsure of herself, and Caroline would've gone so far as to say she sounded a little guilty if only she could get over the nausea that rolled in her stomach as she listened on.

'Yes. You know what I want from you, so you're ok with it?'

Kate moved as she said it, and Caroline pressed herself against the wall feeling more and more pathetic with each word Kate said. She wished she could find the strength to leave, to run from the conversation she wasn't supposed to hear, but she felt paralysed, unable to do anything but listen.

'Brilliant. I can't wait. I'll see you at the hotel at seven, ok? And remember Greg, before your astounding ego gets in the way, it's just sex, ok?'

Caroline could hear the smile in her voice, pictured it in her mind, and the thought shattered inside of her with all the force of an atom bomb as she realised what she'd just listened to.

The weight of that knowledge threatened to bury her if she didn't move, so with all the strength she possessed she hurried silently from her place at the wall and back to her office, the burn of tears pressing at her with relentlessness.

'Caroline?' Beverly asked worriedly as she stormed back in, making a hasty line to her door before she stopped abruptly, not turning to face her friend.

'I need you to go,' she said very quietly, biting the insides of her cheeks to waylay the tears, 'and I need you to go now'.

'What?' Beverly questioned even as she rose from her chair, her voice coloured with the same uncertainty and apprehension that William's had the night before.

Caroline turned to her then, eyes red and tears falling as her hands balled into shaking fists. 'Please'.

With a curt nod of understanding Beverly practically ran from the room, though made sure to close the door as she left. Caroline followed suit but instead into her own office, where she locked herself inside as everything seemed to swell to an aching crescendo.

And then, as the first sob rolled its way up from chest, she grabbed an empty mug from her desk and launched it across the room. The shatter wasn't nearly as pleasing as she hoped for, but she picked up a plant pot and did the same again, watching the ceramic break apart as numbness began to settle inside of her. The irony of how much like her ex-husband she was acting was lost on her, as she instead wallowed in her rage and her grief as her self-hatred grew inside of her like a weed.

But that was nowhere near as bad as the images that followed.

A beast of a man hovering over Kate, his hands wrong. Too large and too rough. She pictured the arch of Kate's hips as he thrust into her. The desperate little keening moan that the woman made- The curve of her neck as her head tipped backwards. The delectable bounce of her breasts. Her full body flush as she came-

She lowered her head onto her desk, a half growl half sob forming in her throat as her mind plagued her. As the images continued, a horrible mix of memory and imagination, she felt the very last of her hope slip through her fingers like smoke.

...

_So I know it's all angst and crying now, but trust me the stories rating is going to have to change in a chapter or two, so bear that in mind! ;)_


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